Hung Up On You

Fair dinkum. We can’t even organise a proper bloody election anymore without drama.


Don’t get me wrong. Blossy likes a lot of things well-hung. I’m a Bogan-ista of the world. I’ve had one too many cocktails in Jamaica (“yeah mon”), so I KNOW well-hung. But after this weekend’s Federal Election, I’m not sure about this hung parliament.


The situation between Tone & Jools reminds me of picking teams for sports afternoon at school. All the good players get chosen quickly for each side, then there’s the leftover group at the end that have to be divided up so that the game can start:


Jools: Oh Okkkkkk, I suppose I’ll have the Green. As long as he promises not to get in the way.
Tone: Then I’ve got the Independent that likes guns. Just in case we need to shoot the Green.
Jools: Fine then, that means I get an Independent as well. I'll have them both. We'll neg-o-see-ate.
Tone: No, I want the one then.
Jools: Nah Budgie, I want extras on MY team.
Tone: No way ‘Ranga, you’re not having a bigger team than me.


And so it goes on until the teacher just blows the whistle makes the teams and tells everyone to stop fussing.


It has kind of thrown the metaphoric whale amongst the harpoonists really. This week, it’ll be on for young and old. It's like political commentator Laurie Oakes' dream come true.  Do Tone and Jools woo the balance of power with a meat tray, or threaten to stab each of the four non-major party reps to political death if they don’t comply?


And wasn’t election day just so FUN this year???

Because the campaigns were so lame, election day got back to its roots. Sausage sizzles and cake stalls. People out and about, happy to vote, just to get the damn thing over again so that something else is on the news each night. I do wonder whether we have to have SUCH a huge piece of paper though when we vote. It doesn’t fit in the voting booth. I’m all for the right of people to create a party and try to get into the Senate, but really… like Brad the Tradie said, “It’s the Party-party-party Party!” They may as well have a Nanna’s for Cake Stalls Party. Sponges and a good lammo are big Down Under.


Like dutiful Aussies we are, the tellies went on in the arve, waiting for the announcement of the results. Our teenage BHG wasn’t too happy, given that the coverage bumped Funniest Home Videos off the Saturday evening schedule. Never-the-less, we used it as an opportunity to explain the Australian Parliamentary system. And as it turns out, not too many can actually do that anymore. Let alone explain a ‘hung’ parliament. The poor adolescent kept coming into the room asking who’d won. Each time we’d have to say, “no one yet”. She’d roll her eyes and go off to chat on Facebook. I explained Hung Parliament to her as the rest of the country was Googling it and the BHG summed it up at about 10pm: “So neither of them are good enough to captain a team”.


Good point.


So here’s what I propose: I will step up and lead the country. On behalf of the Bogan Party, Blossy will be PM. A few changes will need to be made though in order to truly have the Bogan Party make their mark. I’ve put a good morning’s thought into this and had two cuppa’s, and here’s what’s gonna happen:


1. The PM gets to work from home (in her ugg boots if she so desires). If I’m only a ‘face of the party’ then I think that’ll work. Those who actually like to get up at sparrow-fart o’clock in the morning can email me any questions at about 10am and I’ll have a think and get back to them before The View starts on telly at one.


2. The PM’s glamour photo shoot will not be for Women’s Weekly. It will be for Ralph Magazine (with lots of digital enhancement, hair extensions and air-brushing obviously).


3. There’ll be a reduced tax, or subsidy or whatever it’s called, on all Barbecue-able items. That includes accompanying salads, sauce and buns. Must be Aussie produce. No foreign crap.


4. People like Mining Magnates can be rich as long as they promise to hold a reaaaaally big party every coupla months. And give away free cars like Oprah does. And you can apply for extra stuff from the mining companies, like a pool and a new plasma telly or a bucket of hundred dollar bills.


5. With the new Boganised Family Tax Benefit comes a free annual cruise without your kids. For a week each year the offspring get put in an orphanage or other such horrid place (with no face painting or icecream obviously) so that they appreciate their parents more. Similarly, parents will be encouraged to medicate their child or themselves with a short period of substance abuse when things get rough. Parents with totally rancid children will be sent to New Zealand.


6. Whilst we’re on the topic, a Pet Tax Benefit (PTB) will be introduced whereby Bogan-approved dogs attract free vet treatment and Pal. Corgies and those white fluffy wanker dogs with ribbons in their fur will all be extradited.


7. ‘Boat People’ – see Item 4 ‘Child-free Cruising’. Only boats with buffets, hot tubs and Jim Beam will be approved.


8. All Bogans will have the right to Bare Arms. Yep, two free singlet tops per household. Tradeable for a checked flannie in colder regions.

So, with Blossy now as PM, I open the forum to you Ozzz-trayyy-leeah.
Any there any other policies you want? I’m working from home, so just post your suggestions and I’ll think about it over a glass of cask Lambrusco later.

The Bogan Party… chillax mate!

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Hung Up On You, Madonna, 2005.