Llama Llama Duck

I have a confession to make. I'm a study nerd.

I imagine myself in a room attached to a dark suburban warehouse at a Study Nerd's Anonymous (SNA) meeting:

"Hi, my name's Blossy Bogan and I like to study random useless subjects."

"Welcome Blossy!" (warm group hug)

I thought I had the urge under control, but I slip up each year when those Community Course advertisements appear in the freebie newspaper. It's then that I just MUST consider enrolling in 'The Magic of Donkeys' or 'Making the most of your Wok'. Or maybe 'Self-defence for married women who are generally safe but might just want to kick someone's arse one day'.

I've done a few evening courses in my time. My six week 'Thai' course involved learning a language, not actually eating laksa and quite frankly I felt a little out of place considering I was the only one in the class who didn't intend to go to Thailand. Can't remember much from 'Wine Appreciation' except that you should have dinner beforehand, but I'm sure it was sparkling.  

There's just certain things in life that require a COURSE. Like First Aid. And then there's courses that you'd do for a specific reason, like Arabic for Travellers'. But really... 'Llamas for fun or profit?' That's just pure indulgence for people who obviously don't work full-time in a demanding and unrewarding industry. That's a course for people who can relaaaaaaaax, pat llamas, freely grow underarm hair and wander amongst the countryside flowers.

NEW GOAL: Enrol in Llama course.

I'll be unemployed ... I mean,  RETIRED shortly. I'll have time to tend to llamas and grow underarm hair. For fun OR profit depending on how the mood takes me. I shall be Dharma the Llama Farmer. My llama, (called Karma), shall be groomed daily, walked on a leash, then ... um... how do you make money from a llama? Milk it? Shave it? I KNOW! I shall weave a rug from llama fur. There's fun and profit all rolled into one! Then Karma and I shall meditate and still be home in time for an afternoon nap.

I think the age of the Internet has made learning sound really attractive. Online Learning. Learn from home. Upload your assignments from the beach. A haven of potential for an unemployed study nerd. But what to study??? There's the practical stuff of course, like 'Lay your own Bamboo Floor' which just looks like a heap of instructions and 'Manage your Husband's hopefully highly profitable business', which actually requires a TAFE enrolment (and probably REAL WORK damn it!) But I've been brainstorming some extras, to squeeze in so I don't go soft, like 'Advanced Foxtel Studies'. Where assignments consist of watching five back-to-back Law & Order episodes. I don't mind doing the work. I'm happy to knock up an action research project on whether my arse actually spreads from spending four hours in a row on the couch several days a week. Pre and post measurements, graphs, self-reflection journal... oh the possibilities...

I consulted a 'local rag' from my soon-to-be local community.

Nothing like doin' a course to meet the locals, learn the biz, get the goss. Apart from the obvious self-guided mandatory learning in Rubber-Thong Wearing, You & Your Sunscreen and Goin' Crabbin', there are some little gems at the community college. It is dreadfully hard to prioritise of course... where to start? 'Frogs for Beginners'? 'The Secret Life of Yoghurt and Labneh' (what the...???), 'The Art of Writing Eulogies' (handy) or the mysteriously compelling 'Forensic Dentistry South African Style'. Hmmm. Lock it in Eddie, I'm HOOKED! I could do one EVERY night of the week!  I'll be rolling in labneh I'll be so damn local! I'll be ready to give every frog I kill a decent eulogy.

I know what you're thinking. I should be RUNNING a course or seven. Sharing my skills amongst the community. Getting the message out there about what's really important in life. Not sure whether 'Strutting Effectively in High Heels' is a go-er in a relaxed beach-side community, but I am good at culture change. Worth a shot. 'Training your Dalmatian to be Vacuumed'? Might not take six easy-to-attend sessions to cover the curriculum, but you never know. They could be slow learners. By then I'll be an expert Llama Farmer, so we could vacuum those as well. Just not the frogs. DEFINITELY not the frogs.

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'Llama Llama Duck' - 2006.