Football, Meat Pies, Kangaroos and Holden Cars

Who’d want to be a cop in Arizona huh?

I saw on TV how the police there now have to be able to figure out whether someone’s an actual citizen or not. Could you imagine if that happened in Australia?

Well, it wouldn’t … obviously. Because you can’t tell who’s an Aussie and who isn’t and no one much cares anyway. Even though some groups in India are having a little trouble with our country, labelling us as Racist (it goes back to the Harbhajan Singh cricket kerfuffle last summer I reckon…), if you ask the average Aussie about multiculturalism, they’ll tell you that it’s great. Improved take-away menus and supermarket spice racks around the country. Don’t have to wait for a taxi anymore in major cities and it means you can serve rice or noodles to your kids for dinner six days in a row without a visit from Child Services.

I was caught making an assumption at Phuket airport recently, whilst waiting in line to buy my Pepsi Max. And I wasn’t the only one. A man of 'Asian appearance' (is that how they say it on the news?) bought a cup of dry instant noodles. The cashier asked him a question in Thai. I didn’t understand the question (having spent two weeks on the beach rather than in intensive language lessons), and… neither did the guy with the noodles. He looked at me and I said, “dunno mate”. The other cashier, embarrassed, then asked, in broken English, “You want hot water in cup now?” (ahhh, so that’s how they do it, I thought…had wondered whether the people around me were all getting on the JetStar flight with cups of dry instant noodles.) The cashier asked him (whilst dispensing hot water), “Where you from?” to which Noodle Man replied, “Sydney.” Ahhh. Didn’t see that coming.

But it did get me to thinking. If I, Blossy Bogan, personally, was asked to invent the national on-the-spot test of citizenship, what would it look like?

You couldn’t just line suspects up and make them sing the National Anthem, because only school teachers and Olivia Newton-John know all the words (seriously, how many times has she sung it at sporting events?). You can’t judge someone by the existence of suntan lines anymore and there’s like half a dozen acceptable Australian flags one could identify from a poster depending on which Indigenous territory you’re in. So, after a couple of Coolabah wines and some deliberation, I reckon that the only fair way would be the ‘Football, Meat Pies, Kangaroos and Holden Cars test’. Remember the advertisement on the telly years ago? Actually, it probably wasn’t even written by an Australian anyway, but that’s half the charm of our country. Nothing’s made here anymore except Uranium and Beef. Any-hoo, I hereby propose that if we ever DID adopt an Arizonian method of determining Aussie-ness, a suspect should be subject to a brief quiz (in their preferred language). Somewhat like this:

Policeperson: "Excuse me mate, I kinda doubt that you’re a fair dinkum Aussie. I’m gonna need you to answer a few questions to prove your citizenship. Do you require a translator, Indigenous Elder or significant other to be present? No? Ok, well… Question 1: Do you watch or play football? Any code of footy, and yes, since the Socceroos got into the World Cup we even count that funny wog type that half of Melbourne plays. AFL or Union preferably, but something involving feet counts. And a ball. Obviously.

Question 2: Can you name your favourite brand or variety of meat pie? A local bakery version is fine. Yep, chicken and vegie’s good, don’t mind one me-self occasionally for a change. Yes, meat substitutes count these days, so a gluten-free halal tofu pie from Fitzroy passes.

Question 3: Could you identify a kangaroo from this line-up of Australian native animals? Yeah, it’s the one with a pouch and long tail. Excellent. Nah mate, you don’t have to own one as a pet. It’s fine just to have seen one. Even better if you’ve hit one in your ute whilst driving along a dirt road at a hundred k’s an hour listening to Cold Chisel hits, but hey, you saw one at Taronga Zoo last month, so that’s OK.

Question 4: Have you ever owned, seen, test drove, hired, lived next door to or stacked a Holden car? Yes, a Barina counts. It’s a bloody small Holden car and we would prefer you drive a fuel-guzzling four-wheel-drive, but at least it’s not a Korean import. Or a Peugeot. Immediate fail for a Peugeot mate. Just for future reference."

See? Fair, yet clear and definable exam.

My husband, Brad the Tradie (BtT), is about the Aussie-est bloke I know.

He has perma-tan arms, blokey shoulders and lots of pairs of stubbies work shorts. He kicks ass in his steel-capped boots. He’s had a Holden ute (which I was allowed to drive but I didn’t handle very well on roundabouts in the rain…long story). BtT played footy for years and broke nearly every finger. He now watches every code of footy (all bloody weekend actually…) and currently leads several tipping competitions (he treats them like a second income he’s so good). And yesterday, he ate a Stockman’s pie from our new local bakery. My bloke, he doesn’t just ride kangaroos, he bloody well eats them.

For those less Aussie of you, a Stockman’s pie is what I like to call a ‘roadkill pie’. BtT’s version yesterday had kangaroo, emu, camel and veg, all tossed in a thick gravy and encased in heart-stopping pastry. Lovely. And yet he screwed his nose up at a scorpion skewer in Beijing. Pfft. A bit hypocritical! Although...maybe it was the lack of pastry. Hmmm, scorpion PIE anyone?

Perhaps in Arizona they’d eat bald eagle and coyote pie. Maybe a pie IS the test of nationality. If you can make your local animals (or vegetarian substitute) into a pie and eat it, then you’re a citizen. Would that work as a streamlined exam? Nah, in my book I’d still have to watch Collingwood thrash Essendon on the plasma, then sit outside with a coldie and sigh as the ‘roos hop by avoiding being captured for dinner.

So here’s my message to the state of Arizona. By all means, check citizenship, but first let’s see your criteria. And make sure there’s a pie involved!

That’s fair in anyone’s language…mate.

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Football, Meat pies, Kangaroos and Holden Cars, TV ad, mid 1970’s.