It's Not Easy Being Green

I am a woman of conscience.

Uhuh. I have values. Yep. I know what I stand for. Always have. When I was twelve I wrote to several politicians asking them to … stop… something or other. It was possibly crucial at the time. Anyway, the important thing is that I stood for something and took action. Or, I’m just anally retentive and bossy. We all have our character flaws.

Bossy Blossy. That’s me. Because, quite frankly, I’m right. Generally. Actually, I'm being modest there. I’m actually never wrong and everyone has the right to my opinion. Life is full of grey areas where the only thing we know for sure anymore is that we have a right to our own opinion.

One thing I know for sure is that oil and water don’t mix.

Kind of. Well, they can mix a little, but then they separate again, a bit like thirteen year olds at a blue light disco. Interesting things happen when a person’s beliefs operate like oil and water.

I have two such beliefs.

Let’s call Belief One 'Environmental Protection'. I’ve always been a bit of a greenie. Tree-hugging, recycling, bamboo-undie wearing greenie. Faithfully tossing my scraps into a Bokashi bucket to ferment with micro-organisms ready to be sent back to Mother Earth. Don’t even talk me into using parabens and sulphates in my body butter… it ain’t gonna happen sista!

Now then, let’s call Belief Two 'Capitalism'. It can be ‘oil’ where Belief One was clear, fresh running water. I’m a Capitalist, through and through. Brad the Tradie and I wrote it as our religion on the last census (yeah, we also wrote Jedi on the census before that, it’s because we’re actually agnostic and we’re waiting to see if some higher power is watching us fake the census…) I lurrrrve money. I love making it, spending it, smelling it, reading about it, all of it. I like to temper my addiction with ‘socially ethical capitalism’ but we all know that quite frankly, my life would be complete if only I was rich. Money doesn’t buy happiness, but that doesn’t matter in my opinion because I’ve had PLENTY of happy in my life and you can buy medications that fake it anyway. Sprinkle chemical ‘happy’ all over my gold-plated wheaties whilst I call my stockbroker.

So then, novice chemists and the couple of Science nerds amongst you. Tell me this. If oil and water don’t mix, then do Environmental Protection and Capitalism? BtT and I are giving it a whirl. An environmentally responsible landscaper who likes to make STACKS of cash. Bring it.

Which brings me to today’s conundrum. Greenie Group.

It all started when BtT and I, being new to Beachville, dutifully visited the local Sustainable Display Home. Network with the greenies. Suss the local eco scene. Join Coastcare or something. Discuss the harvesting of rain and the sculpting of earth. Say, give them heaps of soy-ink recycled business cards and the like in case other greenies want to syphon some money to our business by employing BtT's talents. Here was I, noting with interest that the green throw rug in the master display bedroom wasn’t bamboo or even organic cotton, whilst BtT smoozed the tour guides. Turns out their subsurface irrigation wasn’t really up to par (Ruh Roh!), their rain tank wasn’t NEARLY big enough and really… the whole landscaping of the display home was a bit below par quite frankly. Ohhhh, and yes, Brad the Tradie, the newest East Coast Expert, would LOVE to talk at the Week 4 workshop of the local sustainability course. What a coup!

So then of course we had to bloody well enrol in the stupid course. Every Monday for eight weeks, two fecking hours. Didn’t seem that big a deal until we WENT.

I did the right thing and took a bag of locally grown orchard apples, free from all sorts of … apple nasty things. We got our nametags (I'm surprised they were allowed to have paper there quite frankly) and then the merriment started. TWO hours of a powerpoint presentation about reducing water use in your home. TWO HOURS! With quite average graphics. I mean… please. You turn the bloody tap off and have shorter showers.

Ahhh, and (naturally) you get a waterwise landscaper in… and off and running goes BtT. The greenie chick operating the show was pleasant a few times when he interjected. The first few times. Then other participants started asking HIM questions. Then a few noted his level of expertise and charm. THEN greenie chick became greenie bitch. Green Shrek smoke coming out of her ears.

Anyhoo, back to me. I won the lucky door prize.

I got an extra ticket for bringing organic apples to share. I am now the proud owner of a plastic wrapped collapsible bucket for my shower. You could feel the tension in the room as I collected my bucket from the front. Greenie chick really wanted the man who learned to recycle this week to win (“Oh congrats to Bill for learning to separate plastic this week!!"). Or Gladys who stays to wash up (“Yay Gladys for only half filling the sink!”). Not me, the capitalist attached to the knowledgeable, threatening, charismatic eco-landscaper. None the less, I took my bucket (for re-gifting obviously) and … left. Oh, well I got my two free native seedlings as well. Then left. OH OK, I might taken a free cuppa for the drive home…

So. The dilemma. I don’t like Greenie Group. It annoyed me.

Furthermore, I suspect that I may offend people with my mimicry and sarcasm.  Will we be relegated to the naughty step to wear a recycled muzzle? We can’t help it if we’re not you’re averagely humble, hessian wearing greenies parking their bike outside the venue. Eco comes in all shapes and sizes and green can be a grey area sometimes.

Brad the Tradie is going to persevere, for the sake of Capitalism. 

He went without me yesterday, eco bag full of organic pears to swap with Coryn, the lady with a heavily cropping lemon tree. News of the day was that Greg from Table Two just installed solar panels and he can now SELL electricity back to the grid. Ooo!! A fellow eco-capitalist! Apparently a newly emigrated couple came today and might want BtT to install a water tank. Score! There might be money to be made from the greenies after all.

Let's just hope that BtT can continue giving back (in forms other than all the right answers) so he doesnt get kicked out. Being amongst other greenies is a bit like going to AA:

“I’m sooooo sorry I brought the organic fruit to share in a plastic bag… it’s just… I dunno… I didn’t think…”

 “Yes, I AM wearing polyester… dammit….”

 “Who was it that was heard flushing the loo hmmm??? You know the rule: if it’s yellow let it mellow, when it’s brown, flush it down!”

You’d feel less guilty going to Catholic Confession (I suppose… I’m actually an agnostic eco-capitalist, but I’ve seen Confession on telly and it looks scary…)

At the end of the day, you’ve got to give it to Brad the Tradie and his persistence. It’s not easy being green. Especially when you’re a capitalist smart-ass as well.

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'It's Not Easy Being Green' - Kermit the Frog, 1970.