Hey Good Lookin'! What cha got Cookin'?

Did you read the paper? We’re midst a national crisis. Something has to be done about it. I was shocked personally. TOTAL disaster! How did this HAPPEN?

Yes, I know. It’s terrible. The one and only televised pre-election debate between Jules and Tone has been scheduled right up against the finale of Masterchef this Sunday evening. And THIS problem made the news.

The reaction in our house was simple. Bugger the election issues. It’s MASTERCHEF. It’s like scheduling your wedding on footy grand final day. Just shows an outright lack of planning. It’s not that I don’t care about the election or the future of things like Health, Education, Mining (bloody mining… welcome to Western Australia where they should change the flag to display a pick, shovel and fifty million dumptrucks), and those pesky little trouble makers fleeing war-torn countries for a better life. I fecking CARE, OK? But I’m going to watch Masterchef. I’ll flick across to hear the pollies during the ad breaks or something.

Masterchef unites a nation.

It gives us all something to talk about (besides mining), something to look forward to each night on telly (except Saturday… what’s with that? Can they not whip up a Masterchef Saturday baking special or something?) and I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling quite confident in my ability to make mayonnaise from scratch these days with all those Masterclasses.

I think, though, that if I could have a teensy weensy trickle of input into the show’s format… I’d Bogan it up a tad.

I appreciate that we’re all in need of knowing how to present poached pears properly, but really… PHEASANT? Who cooks pheasant? Where do you even get one from? It’s not like the meat section of Woolies goes ‘pork, beef, lamb, chicken, turkey, PHEASANT’? And if I’m supposed to wait until my man goes out a-huntin’ for a pheasant, then we’re all gonna starve.

The Masterchef contestant pile is not properly represented by Bogans either. There’s too many lawyers and IT consultants. These people couldn't possibly represent what cooking has to offer in Australia. Too many 'delicate flavours', mousses and foams. And that smooshed pea spread thing. Seriously. Don’t mess with peas. Did you see these non-Bogans doing the CWA (Country Women’s Association) challenge? Who can’t cook lamingtons and scones for goodness sake? I can do scones in fifteen flavours depending on seasonal ingredients (ie, whether BtT’s dad’s pumpkin crop has gone ballistic). It's just part of our Bogan bloodline.

What we need are Bogan-istas.

My Master-bogan-chef contestant list reads a little like this (some of you reading may sense some familiarity… either admit to it, or don’t, your call):
* Beryl, mother of four from Ballarat, whose signature dish is meatloaf covered with an outer coating of mayonnaise

* Sharon, a stay at home ugg-boot wearer, who has a trick where she puts wholegrain mustard in her potato salad (addictive secret ingredients are always sought after in these shows…)

* Doreen from Dubbo, with an artichoke and spinach dip that just suits every occasion from morno’s with the Governor General to a Melbourne Cup arvo tea.

* Paula, who does a fine Tuesday night pasta dish with a packet of tortellini and a can of tuna.

* Darryl from Deniliquen, who can feed five families on a meat pack he won at the club

* And… Blossy, who can churn out a hundred cupcakes for tomorrow’s fete in under an hour.

We’ve all got our signature dish. Sure, it may not look like the ones 'plated up' on Masterchef, but it does the job.

I love how this show’s contestants all have a ‘culinary dream’. Like the guy who wants to open a Parisian-style café, and the one that wants her own TV cooking show. Oh, good ‘em. If they’re happy to be embarrassed each night on telly, then let them have a food fantasy. MY personal culinary dream is for someone else to cook dinner every night. I don’t mind the concept of cooking. It’s just that when you cook food EVERY night that’s supposed to resemble something from the healthy eating pyramid, it gets a bit … less than culinary. Clever families learn to say, ‘mmm, yummy’ every night and not complain. I have a little beauty I call ‘Slop in a Jar’. VERY un-mastercheffy. I get a jar of slop, you know, from the Indian/Italian/Mexican/Asian aisle, and tip it over some meat and veg. Then slam it on a plate with rice and call it dinner. BtT and the adolescent know it by heart (“Ooooo, Slop in a Jar night! Mmmm…. Yummmmmmy!!!”)

And what about the Masterchef elimination challenges? We really need to work on those. I have a few suggestions to Bogan-ise and stress out the contestants. Rather than guessing the ingredients of Coq au Vin, how about they determine what’s in my mum’s Spag Bol? Even better… her Shepherd’s Pie, now THERE’S some tricky ingredients! ("Can anyone taste the beef stock powder?") We could also have a sausage sizzle cook-off to see if anyone can turn 500 snags on a flatbed barbie without burning any at the school election day fundraiser. That’ll sort the stayers from the wannabe’s.

So, back to the original dilemma of what to do this Sunday evening with the telly clash.

Admit it, are you REALLY going to choose to view the Prime Ministerial debate over the finale of Masterchef? Could they not have waited one more week to discuss the state of the nation?

I know what we’ll do. Rather than all the yap-yap we’ll get Jules and Tone to have a cook-off at half time. Jules can do Chinese Takeaway and Tone can slap up a steak sandwich. That’ll prove who’s fit to lead the country.

Problem solved. Bogan Burgers all round mate!

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Hey Good Lookin', Hank Williams, 1951.