Hungry Like The Wolf

Brad the Tradie gets hungry. Really hungry.

If you are ever on a survival-type TV show, you know, the ones where you live on clams and seaweed, it's best to vote BtT off the island rather quickly. Before he eats you. It has been in Blossy's best interests as a wife to learn to provide food quickly and in large quantities. BtT gets hungry after he works, when he wakes up, when he watches Telly, when traveling.... And yet Brad the Tradie is not fat. Not even close. He's a tall, athletic, hungry man, from a family of hungry people. It's not normal.

So when we go to book travel, there are a few things to consider. Only a few. He doesn't like to be 'earth sculpting' (posh new term for landscaping) whilst on breaks. There has to be food. Footy or cricket scores. Bourbon. If I can arrange that, then I am a goddess.

Duh, cruise ship.

Even though Brad the Tradie loves big cats and is happiest among cheetahs, tigers and lions, when hunting he is more like a wolf (less hairy though thankfully). For some, embarking a cruise ship is about frou-frou drinks, swimming pools, sequinny stage shows or the casino. But after boarding in Fremantle at lunchtime Saturday, BtT was HUNGRY. Like a wolf, he snarled ever so politely past photographers, little umbrellas and the reggae band, sliding effortlessly between floppy Australian pensioners slathering on the free hand sanitiser, dodging retirees' custom walking frames in a direct path to the buff-ay.

Brad the Tradie knows buffets. The positioning of dishes, Bain Marie etiquette, plate work, how to get the attendant to refill the hot chippies or prawn platter with fresh ones. He knows to avoid the bread and jelly cups. He's a stealthy buffet hunter. Not the Homer Simpson all you can carry type. an observer would only realize BtT's buffet savvy behavior if they spied me next to him, reading, playing on my phone, doing a crossword.... For a buffet, like a fresh kill for the hungry wolf, takes time to devour properly. It's not a stuff-n-run event. It's a marathon. Good thing he still has his own teeth. And a very efficient digestive system. All that food has to go somewhere.

The cool thing about cruise ships is not only the bulk of food they carry on board, but also the fact that they employ lots of little South east Asians and Ukrainians to do the hunting and gathering (and carve faces into watermelons and make artworks from packaged chopsticks). I like this about holidaying with BtT. We rarely self-cater. Which means that I read. And sit in hot tubs. and watch movies. And go to activities. And eat salad with a side of Diet Coke. I can enjoy the food vicariously after all. A fingerful of whatever BtT is devouring is usually enough for me to come home the size of a Kelvinator. Besides, theres bananas on board and at fifteen bucks a kilo back in Oz I haven't had a the little golden meal of monkeys in sooooooo long, so a constant stream of those and a seat at the papaya stand and I'm pretty happy. I go around the ship scabbing free champagne at Art shows, captains parties... Wherever really. I have a kids drinks card which means I can get unlimited fizzy, juice, smoothies and mocktails. I think I might look just a trifle strange carting around my flask of vodka kindly gifted by one of our American friends, topping up my newest virgin daiquiri or lime & soda.

The way the elderly approach the food is quite entertaining. At our evening 'proper dinner table' of ten, we're the youngest by forty years (not joking). Keith and Elsie holiday often from their base in a Lifestyle Village in Perth. They both have new teeth, so the lobster and veal wasnt as much of a challenge as for octogenarian George. Les and Dot from Bunbury grow lambs and eat it most nights, yet still wanted lamb chops for dinner. (oooo, mint jelly!!!! )Joy, sixth wife of George (and a good deal younger at sixty three) wasn't too sure about the cumin and coconut sauce on her fish the other night and wanted to know why BtT had been given mango ice-cream and George hadn't ("put your glasses on George, it's on the menu... See? No, UNDER the rice pudding, well just ask for some then George, it doesn't matter if they have to go back and get it, these Philippinos are very wiry, won't hurt at all... Oh fine then have it tomorrow night.") Rae, traveling with a friend from the lifestyle Village in Erskine, likes a wine with dinner, but adds ice to water it down and make it last longer. Pat, her mate has one VB beer a day, straight from the can during the Appetizer ("youngest of eleven and the rest were all boys, can't take to frissy wine"). It's kind of like eating dinner at your grandparents, except with more Philippino servants and less mashed potatoes. and two flavours of jelly cups instead of one.

What I don't have to do is check the time to make sure we haven't forgotten a meal, because there's always, ALWAYS food. A cheese plate the size of a coffee table is delivered to our cabin at five. We send the tray back that held the hamburger, chips, Moroccan hot pot, pita bread and milk, but still need to duck to the dining room for a three course meal of little hot things, salmon and ice-cream before popcorn at the Movies under the stars and second dessert during Sports Trivia at 9:30. We may swing by the pizza place because they have hunks of Italian cheeses that BtT likes and it's really hard to leave there without a pepperoni pizza and an antipasto plate. Or maybe just grab a platter of bbq prawns. It is quite a walk to the cabin after all and breakfast is HOURS away. Unless you get hungry in the night and need to go to the buffet. Or get a kebab, or meat pie (yes Americans, Cruises leaving from Australia have meat pies and vegemite on board!!)

They do say that when you go on a cruise you arrive as a passenger and leave as cargo. Although lots of people get 'one of everything' just to try, especially with dessert. The leftover food is munched down and expelled from the ship to feed the sealife. We've got some porky little fishies following along. I could almost hear a collective 'mmmmmm creme brûlée leftovers....' last night.

No leftovers from our table, although it does take a while for the olds to chew, slurp and dribble through their meals.

and it takes a fair bit to fill Brad the Tradie up. On the sixth day at sea (yes it does take a while to drive a boat to Thailand), he has hit the wall. He gave a little nose wiggle at the buffet today, and couldnt even be swayed with a doner kebab from the Terrace Grill. nor a hunk of Italian cheese, or even a bowl of ice-cream. By dinner he was more peckish and I've never known him to turn away shellfish or steak. Even so, perhaps he has transformed from wolf into camel, saving up all this protein to sustain him through the less-than-ideal world that is Malaysian market shopping.

but enough about food and drink..... Excuse moi, it's time for another free champagne at the art show. Then maybe a mocktail with added vodka....

Hungry Like The Wolf, Duran Duran, 1982